"ADD"  Audio Dysfunction Disorder

A Communicative Disease and Appeal for Funds

"If your mic is a real fox, it doesn't really matter how it sounds."

Having fully understood the disease associated with the pursuit of broadcast audio on the Ham bands, I want to bring this tragedy to national attention. I, as a sufferer, have named the disorder ADD (Audio Dysfunction Disorder). It is characterized by the misguided notion that the scant 3Kc band width authorized by the FCC for SSB voice communications can be crammed with 15Kc of bone rattling, mushy, glass cutting, saliva soaked, egocentric modulation. This aberration requires endless hours of testing, thousands of dollars of studio audio equipment, and most tragically, a sick psychosexual infatuation with microphones, yes drawers full of them hundreds of dollars worth of beautiful pulchritudinous MICROPHONES! But I digress. In the later stages of the affliction, the victim can be found bolt upright in bed all night with his hand cupped over his ear repeatedly saying, "This is CNN". Another sign of the final stage is carrying laminated photos of their favorite microphones in their wallets in lieu of grandchildren. I have heard that a Texas QTHed audio wretch has resorted to sipping olive oil before keying the mic each time and practices vocalization with smooth stones in his mouth for an hour each day before his net.

There is a bill before congress to label this tragic minority Microphone-Americans. They will be afforded full minority status, and will receive the protection of the EEOC, IRS, FDA, OSHA, FHA, QRO, and the FSLIC (really means: Frank Sinatra Lives In California).

I have filed the necessary paperwork to establish the national organization for treating the disorder, Microphones Anonymous Inc. It is modeled after Alcoholics Anonymous and it's successful 12-step program. I have also appealed to Bob Geddes to organize a worldwide telethon to raise money to help this truly afflicted, and growing, portion of the world’s society. He has suggested that I would need a personality to promote the cause, like Christopher Reeves. I have given this much thought. Obviously the best would be the most afflicted individual, like one of the Hams on 14.178 Mhz, or Mr. Over, OOOOVAAAAA, himself. However, none of these diseased individuals has the celebrity status needed. Since the average age of the HF Ham operator is 65, Bob and I have chosen that famous WW II radio operator and hero, Audio Murphy, for our standard bearer. Even though he is a silent key (just an advanced form of paralysis), he can spearhead the cause with digital video testimony in the same way Fred Astair sold vacuum cleaners. The worldwide, televised, event will be named AudioAid and will be launched at Carnegie Hall, (after the acoustics are adjusted), in May 2002.

If you feel obligated to be a founding father of this noble cause, please send your generous contribution or unwanted microphones (must be good looking and single) to: Tom Morton, W5TOM, at Microphones Anonymous, 59 Sayagain Dr., Bassboost. TX., 59104.