Solving RFI Problems
The Ultimate Solution
I am sure you have been plagued with problems directly related to RF. It's a wonderful thing when it behaves, but it has a habit of intruding in areas where it causes big trouble for the average Ham, not to mention his neighbors. We have all experienced RF getting into our TX audio, our RX audio, radiating from our feed lines, and resonating off of our ground leads. We have been, sometimes futilely, applying capacitors, ferrite beads, and inductors. Many have, out of frustration, discarded equipment or torn their station completely apart and started all over from scratch. This is probably the most difficult problem facing the Ham community today especially since we are now incorporating computers into our stations. I have isolated the essence of the problem, it's the fact that the RF is obeying the laws of physics without regard for the pain and suffering it causes. If we could, somehow, control the laws of physics, we could control the offending element.
I racked my brain to find an easier solution to the problem, and then it dawned on me that the way to control law was with a lawyer. In recent years we have seen numerous examples of lawyers controlling the law. The O.J. Simpson case, Clinton's eight years in the White House, and definitely Janet Reno have demonstrated control of the law. Reno,apparently, has also confounded the laws of nature. There have been incidences where a lawyer has tried to control the laws of physics and failed from lack of training. JFK Jr. comes to mind. I have studied the law of physics extensively at Hardknocks University and also have a BS* in RF. I have studied law by watching the six o'clock news and I am now ready to hang out my shingle as the hobby's first RF lawyer. Your case will be tried here in Crapchute, TX. where jurors are selected from drivers license rolls and not registered voters. I have Johnny Cochran, Barry Scheck, and Allen Dershowitz advising in jury selection to make sure that anyone with a knowledge of the subject or a brain is excluded. As the victim, the extensive pain and suffering caused by your RF problem will easily motivate the selected jury and your verdict is guaranteed to be favorable. The punitive settlement alone should make enough money to pay my fees plus a swell new station and probably a house for it in Martha's Vineyard.
As these cases are vigorously pursued and won, a legal precedent will build. Soon the offending physical laws will be so intimidated that Hams, the world over, will no longer have RF invading their communication equipment and breaking and entering the neighbor's surround sound systems. The fear of law suits will effect the passage of all electrons in all circuits. The design of all communication equipment will have far simpler circuitry, thus lower in cost. Transmitted and received signals will be much stronger and the effect of the waning sunspot cycle will be far less. As this is written, I am working with a retired tobacco lawyer to specialize in negligent ionosphere reflection. We all suffer from ionospheric retention. This is de facto taxation, and definitely without representation. Since so many suffer from this wanton disrespect and abuse, we are preparing a class action suit. Watch this site for notification and the web address for online registration.
To submit your case, indicate the symptoms, offending physical law, and a letter from your chiropractor with a detailed description of the pain and suffering. If you have any local TV news footage showing blood, fire, tears, animal abuse, or vehicular destruction associated with your case, please include it. Submit request for representation to: Cheatham, Burnham, and Howe, Attys., 666 Grandtheft Parkway, Crapchute, TX, 59104.
*Bovine Scatology, also called Barbara Streisand in some states.